Redefinition of Self and Service

Tonight was a defining moment in my career.
Tonight, I realized that I am guilty of the same things I preach about to participants in my classes.
Tonight, I realized I went beyond my limitations. I emptied myself.
Tonight, I hid the knee brace and the blisters and the sore elbow.
Tonight, I put on a show when I really wanted to call it quits.
And I am not sure why.

If people get good "ideas" or "workouts" in my classes then I feel GREAT. I think that's wonderful. That's what I get paid to do. But it's not WHY I do what I do. I do what I do because I want people to "feel" different when they leave. I want people to leave with smiles on the faces, with a feeling of accomplishment, with a feeling of self worth, self love and self respect.

Sometimes I have to decide which one is more important. Tonight went beyond my mission. I realized that my mission/motive may not be clear to everyone. Am I angry that some people don't "get it"? And, why do I feel like I have to explain my intentions? Why did I even teach tonight?

It's not the money. It's never been. That's why I've basically, in this career, never had to do without.

I didn't want to let anybody down. I couldn't cancel an event that only happens once a month because I am mentally/physically caught up in something else. I'm tired (but I keep telling myself it's mental). I'm in pain(stop being a crybaby). I want to just sit down and cry (you have lives to change. you don't have time to feel). I'm hungry (food is minor compared to making others feel better about themselves).

What am I to do? Spend the rest of this night wishing I had not taught or look at it as a learning experience and take my tired self to bed so I can get up and start all over again in the morning?

Decision Made: Good Night. It's time to start something new. This time, it'll be for ME.